New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs ·Small delights
Instructions for Watching My Girlfriend While I’m Out of Town
by Blythe Roberson
Published 2026-09-08 10:00:00+00:00
If you wrote care instructions for a grown adult, would they read like a pet-sitting guide?
0:00 / 5:11 · Narrator Algieba
Context
A printed list of feeding times and approved treats usually sits on the kitchen counter for an anxious rescue dog. In a humor piece published on 8 September 2026, that familiar instruction manual gets turned on an adult human instead. The joke lands by treating the daily upkeep of a modern partner with the clinical detachment of a dog walker. From managing iced coffee dependencies to intervening during online shopping sprees, the instructions capture the slightly absurd routines required to keep a person functioning through the day.